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03 February 2014 @ 09:38 pm
Just Letting It All Hang Out.  
I’m just gonna rant for a bit. I am sad to hear about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death. Obviously, it hits close to home for me. I’m not spiraling out like I was over Cory Monteith, mostly because Cory’s story came into my life right when I was getting sober and I related a lot to him, and then to lose him like that was wracking. But I’ve always liked Hoffman and realizing how long he’d been sober before he relapsed, it’s a hard thing to wrap my head around - that it really never ends, addiction is forever. So I (stupidly) went to Tumblr, to see all the love there (I should have learned a long time ago that Tumblr is not a place to go for comfort). Bitches be pissing me off! If one more person makes a post about how taking drugs is a choice, that implies that addicts deserve to spend the rest of their lives being punished for a bad decision or a stupid mistake or even circumstances out of their control - but sure, that means they deserve to have it chase them all the way to the grave. But hey, my anger is keeping me from being depressed about it all. At any rate, it’s sad to have lost another great man and he will be missed. Rest In Peace, Mr. Hoffman.


Also, my mom is driving me nuts. While Grandpa was dying, she kept calling to ask, “Who’s with Grandma now? Whose turn is it?” Keep in mind, these are my father’s parents and he and my mom have been divorced for 18 years, so while she should certainly come to the funeral, the rest isn’t any of her concern. “Well, it sounded to me like you needed updated information, because you don’t know the latest.” I finally told her not to worry, that ‘they’ were taking care of everything and she said, “Who’s they?” And I was like, “*Cousin* and *Sister*, the two people who have been running this family since the day Grandpa went into that nursing home, three years ago. Who do you think?!” I mean, seriously, Grandma’s had her hands full with Grandpa since he got sick, how does my mom think this family stayed together? I was actually really pissed on their behalf. Then, the day he passed, my sister let everyone know at 7am and later my mom told me, “Well, I just talked to Canadian Brother and he didn’t know anything about it and he had just talked to your father and your father didn’t know either.” Which wasn’t true, but she wouldn’t believe me. “I had to be the one to tell your brother that Grandpa had passed.” My sister talked directly to my brother, so there was no miscommunication, and my dad had already even made a Facebook post about it. I’m a little concerned because Mom talked to my brother for 20 minutes and she honestly believes that she was the one that informed him of Grandpa’s passing.

She’s been super maniac lately actually. She’s (unfortunately) having to get all of her remaining teeth pulled and it’s causing her a lot of (completely justified) anxiety. Also, (sadly) The Canadian Niece has been diagnosed with arthritis (only in the one knee but she is dragging her leg behind her and everything). My mom is 110% worked up over that, no matter how many times I tell her that a) it will never be as bad as it was for me and b) even if it is, this isn’t 1979 and they actually know something about arthritis in kids now. I’m worried, yes, but my mom is completely gone about the whole thing. All of that on top of Grandpa passing away has her in a full maniac spiral. She also keeps trying to talk to me about my own childhood illness, but I finally told her straight up, “I don’t want to talk about any of that. Ever.” She will never understand how traumatizing the things that were done to me were and nothing good will come of me exploding at her about the shit she stood by and watched happen because ‘doctors know best’. I did tell my brother that any questions he has, I will revisit all of that if it can help my niece even a little, and that the best thing he can do for her is to stay by her side for everything, don’t let them run him out of the room unless it’s a radiation thing and to make them explain every test and procedure to him, so that he can explain it to her as it’s happening. It’ll make the whole thing a hell of a lot less scary for her.

Well, that was 800 words and I didn’t even get to what a pain in the ass this memorial service is becoming and how my sister’s stress levels are through the roof, all because Grandma refused to go through a funeral home and let her (not rich but certainly well-off) sons pay for any of it. Also, Canadians arrive Wednesday and I get to see the kids, but otoh I’m still sick and I just don’t have the energy. We’ll have to come back to the health issues later, guys. But seriously…I really can’t wait for the week to be over.
 
 
 
Kate: Charles+Raven-here to hold youceitfianna on February 4th, 2014 04:41 am (UTC)
*hugs you a lot*

What can I do to help?

Your family is a mess which you know and I wish I could be there to help by watching silly movies and being there. I know phone calls aren't always your thing but I have Skype and Facetime and I'm here.

I'm in a fic writing state. Can I write you some distracting porn that knowing me will turn into character centered fic?
dodger_sister: comfortdodger_sister on February 9th, 2014 07:11 pm (UTC)
*hugs you a lot*

Thank you, darling.

What can I do to help?

Honestly, I was so upset over all of this stuff, on top of Grandpa having passed away, and I saw this comment as soon as it came in and I just started crying. But in a happy way. Just this alone was so touching that it made me feel better. It's weird, but nice, how just a few words of encouragement makes it easier to get through the hard stuff.

Your family is a mess which you know

It's so weird, because on the one hand we are always there for each other and we are so close-knit and on the other hand, we are all buckets of crazy and making more problems for each other. I'm told that's how all families are, mine just comes with some mental health issues.

and I wish I could be there to help by watching silly movies and being there. I know phone calls aren't always your thing but I have Skype and Facetime and I'm here.

Silly movie night is exactly what I needed during all of this but I wouldn't have even had time. I think there was one day in the last two weeks where I didn't have somewhere to go/appointments or some project to do for the memorial service, and I spent that one day sleeping and catching up on TV and never moved from the couch the whole day. (we were suppose to do TV-Couch-Day again today but the house has been so neglected these past few weeks that J decided to do some major cleaning and I have been banished to my room).

I think things will slow down now that the memorial service is over. There's still a lot of stuff coming up that I have to do (starting tomorrow with a 6 hour long - including drive time - eye appt because it's time for my 2 year testing to be done) - but at least on the days where I don't have something scheduled, I can relax a little instead of running around trying to get a memorial service planned.

I'm in a fic writing state. Can I write you some distracting porn that knowing me will turn into character centered fic?

lol I will always take fic from you! Your character pieces are always gorgeous!
Kate: fox kitsceitfianna on February 9th, 2014 07:16 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

I'm glad that my comment could help and ugh six hours doesn't sound fun. I hope you get your couch day soon.

Who would you like me to write about? Also I've been doing a lot of stuff for the Porn Battle so if you check my journal and Ao3, there's stuff to read.
dodger_sister: comfortdodger_sister on February 9th, 2014 08:05 pm (UTC)
Hmmm, I'll give you some choices. Maybe something from Raven's POV after she leaves Charles and joins Erik. Or maybe something from Sheriff Stilinskis' POV about Stiles. Or, if you feel like you are ready for Leverage prompts, maybe something about Eliot's past.

Oooohhh, you're doing the Porn Battle again! Your stuff last year was so good - I'll have to check it out.

Thanks, babe! <3s
Kateceitfianna on February 9th, 2014 08:17 pm (UTC)
I might try the Sheriff, I've been wanting to write about him though I haven't seen the newest season. My Sleepy Hollow/Teen Wolf fic kind of stalled as I'm behind on both shows.

Yes, so far I've written a Clint/Natasha fic, one from the October Daye series, a 10 Things I Hate About You one and last night I posted a Thor/Sif from before canon. I have a Teen Wolf one in progress that's Lydia thinking about Stiles, I don't know how its going to end up yet.

Oh and I recently rewatched a movie that I'm sure you'd like. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, just a fun action movie that enjoys itself. I last saw it when it was in the theaters years ago and it held up remarkably well.
dodger_sister: comfortdodger_sister on February 9th, 2014 08:36 pm (UTC)
I might try the Sheriff, I've been wanting to write about him though I haven't seen the newest season.

Even something pre-series. The Sheriff has such a wide-open backstory, it seems like it would be fun to play around with.

My Sleepy Hollow/Teen Wolf fic kind of stalled as I'm behind on both shows.

Omg, a Sleepy Hollow/Teen Wolf crossover sounds AWESOME!! I haven't seen any of those around anywhere, but it makes perfect sense that they should go together. Well, Sleepy Hollow is over for the season, so once you catch up on it, you'll be set until it comes back in the fall. (I don't want to wait that long for more of the show, but I do think they will sustain themselves better by having shorter seasons).

Yes, so far I've written a Clint/Natasha fic, one from the October Daye series, a 10 Things I Hate About You one and last night I posted a Thor/Sif from before canon. I have a Teen Wolf one in progress that's Lydia thinking about Stiles, I don't know how its going to end up yet.

I know all of those except the October Daye series!

Oh and I recently rewatched a movie that I'm sure you'd like. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow,

Just went and looked it up. I've never heard of it before but it looks like a disaster flick with robot aliens and a really great cast, so I immediately put in my Netflix lineup! I'll let you know how I like it.
Kate: paper butterflyceitfianna on February 9th, 2014 08:41 pm (UTC)
Yes, the crossover is Abbie and the Sheriff talking about the weird place that their lives have ended up in. The connection comes from August as I could see him and the Sheriff being friends on a police messageboard or something. So Abbie reaches out to him and discovers that other places have weird too. And heh, already have some ideas of where yours might start. I adore the Stilinski family and a friend of mine wrote a great AU about what canon would be like if Claudia was alive, her Ao3 name is alexscat. I think you'd like her stuff.

Its not so much disaster as old fashioned sci-fi, bits of King Kong, an ace pilot, badass reporter, oddly it feels like a live action relative of TaleSpin. Also it has two badass women characters who are badass in their own ways.

October Daye is great, urban fantasy with a focus on the Fae, which are a favorite of mine.
dodger_sister: teen wolfdodger_sister on February 9th, 2014 08:56 pm (UTC)
The connection comes from August as I could see him and the Sheriff being friends on a police messageboard or something.

Oh man. That's my new headcanon. Totally. This works for me on so many levels.

I adore the Stilinski family and a friend of mine wrote a great AU about what canon would be like if Claudia was alive, her Ao3 name is alexscat. I think you'd like her stuff.

Oh, I know her! From around on Tumblr. That does sound like a great AU - Claudia being alive would change some of who Stiles becomes. I'll def check that out!
wolfrider89: Cas laid bitchwolfrider89 on February 4th, 2014 10:44 am (UTC)
What is WRONG with you, Tumblr? Seriously? Can I be violent at them? Just a little? I'm sorry people are so stupid, bb. Neither you nor Mr. Hoffman deserve that. :(

Your life sounds stressful right now. (understatement) I'm sorry about your niece. I hope she has a much better experience than you had and I'm glad you will be there to offer advice to her dad.

Sending all the good thoughts and hugs to you, darlin'! <3
dodger_sister: angrydodger_sister on February 9th, 2014 07:23 pm (UTC)
Oh. My. God. Your icon. JFC, Cas, I think I got pregnant just from that look on your face. Damn.

What is WRONG with you, Tumblr? Seriously? Can I be violent at them? Just a little? I'm sorry people are so stupid, bb. Neither you nor Mr. Hoffman deserve that. :(

Seriously. Right?! I don't know what Jared was thinking with those ill-thought out tweets but it sent off a firestorm of people being like, "Well, that's what you get for doing drugs." I just wanna smack a bitch. Like, seriously, if the mistakes we make in our younger days (teens/20s) follow us until we are 46 and dead, then everyone will be dead at 46, because WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES IN OUR YOUTH! But apparently if our mistake is trying drugs, we don't deserve to live. Rage-face all over the place!

Your life sounds stressful right now. (understatement) I'm sorry about your niece. I hope she has a much better experience than you had and I'm glad you will be there to offer advice to her dad.

Well, the memorial service is over and the houseguests have left and there actually looks to be three days at the end of this week where there is nothing on my calendar at all! (it won't last long because Mom's tooth surgery is right after that mini-break and that will be insanity, but I'll take those three days off for sure!) The Canadians were just here for the memorial service and The Canadian Niece was favoring her good leg over the bad one, but she still seemed to be running around playing with all the kids and doing the Wii dance party, so it couldn't have been bothering her too bad. Kids have this way of playing through the pain that adults just can't seem to do. But also, I do think the medicine is helping her some.

Sending all the good thoughts and hugs to you, darlin'! <3

Thank you, bb! I just keep telling myself that I just have to make it through February and then everything can go back to normal. I really hope that's true! /hugs and hearts!/

Edited at 2014-02-09 07:24 pm (UTC)
wolfrider89: Cas neck!pornwolfrider89 on February 9th, 2014 08:59 pm (UTC)
JFC, Cas, I think I got pregnant just from that look on your face. Damn.

Right? Phew.

Rage-face all over the place!

RAGE!!!! I want to smack them all. Stupid judge-y people.

but I'll take those three days off for sure!

That's good. I'm glad you're getting at least a little time off before the next thing. <3

I'm glad the Canadian Niece seems to be doing OK and enjoying herself despite the pain.

I just keep telling myself that I just have to make it through February and then everything can go back to normal. I really hope that's true!

I hope so too! I'm sure it'll calm down soon, and you'll get some more time to rest.
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on February 4th, 2014 12:32 pm (UTC)
Oh honey. *hugs* You just support Sister as best as you can, and rest as much as you can, and things will work out. Despite your Mom's attempts at the contrary.
dodger_sister: comfortdodger_sister on February 9th, 2014 07:35 pm (UTC)
Oh honey. *hugs* You just support Sister as best as you can, and rest as much as you can, and things will work out. Despite your Mom's attempts at the contrary.

Thank you! I did as much as I could for my sister during the memorial service planning and now I am going to get her a giant box of chocolate for Valentine's Day and then try to think of ways I can help her while she is helping Mom post-surgery, because my mom's anxiety is going to be through the roof and my sister doesn't handle people and panic attacks well at all.

My Mom did almost good at the funeral. She avoided talking to my dad, as we had instructed her, and my grandmother already called us to say how glad she was that Mom came, so that is good. Though, when my dad was sitting at a table during the lunch with all of his grandkids, my mom came over and sat down at the same table, even though she actually knew everyone in the building and could have sat with anyone and even though she had just spent like four hours with her grandkids the day before, while my dad hadn't. Right after she sat down, my dad went to a different table and sat with his cousins, which was fine - he seemed really happy to be socializing with people he only ever talks to on Facebook - but at the time I was like, 'what is Mom thinking? Why would she sit at a table with him when we specifically asked her to give him space? Oh right, she WASN'T thinking.' I mean, I think it's ridiculous that my dad can't even be in the same room with her after 18 years of divorce, but my dad is literally mentally ill and it was his father's funeral, so respect him enough to stay out of his space, woman!

/sigh/ It's all over now. The rest of the month is filled with doctor's appointments and tests and therapy and (happily) my niece's 1st birthday party and honestly I feel enough better that I keep thinking if I could just not have a bazillion things going on, I'd probably be all rested and feel 100 times better in a week. Maybe in March I'll get some proper down time?

ION, The Lego Movie is AWESOME!! EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! You and TAHtm need to go see this thing. Seriously. It's subtly secretly actually for adults. I think The Sis and I laughed harder than the kids did. We're going back to see it a second time, just us grown ups!
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on February 13th, 2014 01:28 am (UTC)
(Jeez, I don't think it's taken me three days to reply to you EVER. I was sick from Friday to Tuesday, and missed work Monday/Tuesday. There was a lot of sleeping.)

Yay, chocolate! It heals many wounds, and gives endorphins in a delicious package!

I hope your Mom's surgery went well (unless it's still to come Thursday/Friday, in which case I hope it GOES well).

It just has to be a huge relief that the funeral is over. All around. *hugs*
dodger_sister: sickdodger_sister on February 19th, 2014 08:55 pm (UTC)
I hope your Mom's surgery went well (unless it's still to come Thursday/Friday, in which case I hope it GOES well).

Mom was sick last week and we spent all weekend chewing our nails, waiting to see how she was doing, if she still had a fever, in preparation for her tooth surgery. It was suppose to be yesterday, but she got there and the doc said there was crackling in her lungs and they can't put you under like that, so they sent her home. AGAIN. This is the third time they have postponed it. I don't know if you remember back in my first LJ year (or if you were even around my LJ then) - but I went in for my life-changing knee surgery and was in the gown in the pre-op room with the IV in my arm and the nurse holding the syringe for the 'sleepy-bye' meds and the doctor came in and called the whole thing off. Besides the fact that it completely changed the entire outlook of my future for the worse to not have the surgery, I had to psych myself up so hard to go into the white sterile area and put on the gown and get the IV and all the hospital smells and just all of that crap and he called it off at basically the very last second - they were literally syringe-in-hand to put me to sleep when he came in.

I always thought that was so fucking awful, and it was, but this thing with my mom - psyching herself up three different times to lose all of her teeth, to be completely toothless, when they don't even know for sure if she will be able to wear dentures and the anxiety of how much pain and having to go under and just....all of that, THREE FUCKING TIMES. And now she has to do it again.

I feel like I should do something to make her feel better but I also know there is nothing I can do that will actually make it better. Yeah.

Anyways, are YOU at least feeling better? No more sickies? Did TAHtm ever get it?
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on February 20th, 2014 01:50 am (UTC)
So... your knee doctor called it off forever? Or was it just too daunting to go back again? I know I freaked the fuck out on my two, so much that I had to have drugs to calm me down while I waited to be drugged! I just can't even --why would someone completely cancel something that would have made such a huge difference? By the time you got to that point, surely all of the insurance money was lined up, so hopefully it wasn't that, but.... I know, it's silly to get outraged NOW; that was ages ago, but still!

For this, your mom has every right to be bothered and upset and not want to have to psych herself up all over again - do you have more news on when time number four will be?

I am on the mend, for sure - and while TAHtm had a few days when he also felt icky, I don't think he had it quite as badly as I did. We're both good now, though. Thanks for asking!
dodger_sister: sickdodger_sister on February 20th, 2014 03:04 am (UTC)
So... your knee doctor called it off forever?

Yep. My knee joints are basically fused, so to put new ones in, they have to break my leg in 3 different places and then put in the new joint and let everything heal up. But I've been walking like this for so long that the muscles in my lower legs have gone soft. Doc said it's a 50/50 chance on whether or not I could get the muscles back or if my legs would just hang there, like soft useless things. It's a chance to go from right now, walking with a walker to either a) walking awesomely unassisted or b) never being able to walk again. And the doc wasn't willing to risk taking away the limited mobility I still had left. Which I understand, I'd hate to be 100% wheelchair bound, but I knew the risk going in and I was choosing to take it. I'd been working hard, made myself go back to PT (called K after 12 years and asked him for help) and Doc pulled the plug seconds away from the whole thing, which was just fucked up.

I know, it's silly to get outraged NOW; that was ages ago, but still!

No, I still get worked up about it too! Because if he was having those doubts at all (and he said he'd been having them for awhile) why not send me for a second opinion. This was life changing enough that my sister would have taken me to Boston for the second opinion (that's where the doctor's mentor is now). Why not try some muscle testing? Why not call me ahead of time and say, "Hey, I'm leaving the surgery on the schedule, but just know, I am considering not doing it and I don't want to blindside you with that." Right?!

For this, your mom has every right to be bothered and upset and not want to have to psych herself up all over again - do you have more news on when time number four will be?

The next try probably won't be for 6 weeks, but it looks like they will be doing this one at the hospital, in a real operating room, in case of complications. I know I say a lot of my mom's issues are because she doesn't listen to the doctor, but this time there really wasn't anything she could do about this. She took the medicine they gave her, it wasn't enough. She got screwed on this one and she can't stay healthy enough to have the surgery done, even though she's actually started to try her damndest to stay well long enough to get this done. I can't even imagine dealing with those levels of stress, so I really am trying to forgive her the maniac episodes. (now that Grandpa is at rest, my own stress levels are back down to a place where I can be sympathetic to her about this again, I just don't know what to do to help her out here).

I am on the mend, for sure - and while TAHtm had a few days when he also felt icky, I don't think he had it quite as badly as I did. We're both good now, though. Thanks for asking!

What's up, TAHtm NEVER gets it as bad as you do? How is that possible when he works in a hospital?! Well, I am glad you are both on your feet again!
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on February 20th, 2014 03:14 am (UTC)
You're braver than I would have been, to be willing to take the chance of never walking again, but I definitely agree that (a) he could have handled it better and (b) a second opinion would not have been a bad thing at all.

Yeah, it's hard to come up with something actual to do and be supportive in a case like that - six more weeks at least, though, has to be pretty daunting for her. Boo!

I think he must get exposed to fiercer germs or something, or I'm just not as generally healthy as he is. Who knows?
dodger_sister: sickdodger_sister on February 20th, 2014 03:18 am (UTC)
You're braver than I would have been, to be willing to take the chance of never walking again, but I definitely agree that (a) he could have handled it better and (b) a second opinion would not have been a bad thing at all.

I broke hospital records for recovery time with my hip surgeries (like, seriously, less than half the time from surgery day to walking upright with no assistive devices, than they had told me it would take) so I thought he was underestimating my chances with this surgery. He thought I was overestimating them. We still disagree about it. ;)

I think he must get exposed to fiercer germs or something, or I'm just not as generally healthy as he is. Who knows?

He's got like Superman's immune system or something. ;)
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on February 20th, 2014 03:29 am (UTC)
That's crazy good, to heal in less than half of the time. I think I come down on your side in this - plus, belief often really does help in recovery time.

Totally Superman's immune system!
Shireboundshirebound on February 4th, 2014 01:51 pm (UTC)
Family stress is the worst. I'm sorry you're going through all this.

*gentle hugs*
dodger_sister: comfortdodger_sister on February 9th, 2014 07:38 pm (UTC)
Family stress is the worst. I'm sorry you're going through all this. *gentle hugs*

Thank you, darling. I just keep telling myself that I only have to make it to March and then everything will calm down. I hope that's actually true. But seriously, you LJ peeps have been so supportive these past few weeks and that has made me feel so much better. It's so great to have a place with such an outpouring of love and I find it all very moving. <3s
Trigger Warning: Lifematchboximpala on February 8th, 2014 08:53 am (UTC)
Oh, it all sounds so hard. I probably shouldn't say this, and I don't mean it about you, but it sounds like there are some people that are making the drama all about them. And need a good smacking. I am wishing you all the best, dear. And I hope you are feeling better.
dodger_sister: angrydodger_sister on February 9th, 2014 07:59 pm (UTC)
Oh, it all sounds so hard. I probably shouldn't say this, and I don't mean it about you, but it sounds like there are some people that are making the drama all about them. And need a good smacking.

I am unsure if you mean the crazy Tumblr people or my mother, but either way, YOU ARE CORRECT! The whole Tumblr thing of people being all judgey on drug users makes me want to quote that whole, 'Let those without sin cast the first stone,' thing. Like, dudes, everyone makes mistakes - but some of us suffer for them for the rest of our lives. That shouldn't be mocked - it's devastating.

As for my mom...holy hell, yes. She always does this though. Meddles in things. She can't stand being an observer, she has to get right in the mix. I just remember when one of my cousin's broke her leg, my mom called to see if we still had my grandmother's old walker that I had used when I broke my leg, and then told me I needed to take it to my cousin. I was like, "Um, most people just use crutches when they break their legs." I mean, I can't because of the arthritis, but most people do. And then I was like, "She knows I have the walker. If she needs it, all she has to do is call and we'll run it over to her." My mom went off on me about how that stuff was Grandma's and I needed to share it with the whole family and that I clearly didn't care about my cousin, why wasn't I willing to help? I saw my aunt a few weeks later and asked her about my cousin and she was like, "She broke her foot and had a walking cast, so she only had to use the crutches for like three days. Why would she need a walker?" It was like my mom just heard this bit of family news and decided SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Instead of just doing something nice, like baking my cousin Get-Well Brownies or something. /shrug/ You think I'd be used to it by now.

I am wishing you all the best, dear. And I hope you are feeling better.

Thank you. I actually am feeling better! I think I just need like a week with nothing going on to get over that final hurdle, but unfortunately that week-of-nothing won't happen until March. I sent on your good wishes to my sister and she was very pleased to hear it and said 'thank you'. All the love and support from LJ has just been super moving to me. <3s