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10 January 2015 @ 03:42 pm
5 Years. Today.  
Today it has been 5 years since I touched an Oxycontin. /deep breath/

I never thought I would last this long. I never thought I would stay away from the temptation, but I also never thought that physically I wouldn’t end up needing something by now. Needing Oxy by now. I am stunned and joyed by this day.


It has been a rough year. During the bronchitis last winter that collided with my grandfather passing away, I ended up in the ER taking Norco - a pain killer - because I had been laid up for so many weeks from the illness and could barely move. I also went home with a script for a muscle relaxer and some Xanax and that has been the struggle this year. While Oxy was my poison of choice, I would never turn down other things, if I had them, which I often did. I slipped a little with the Xanax. Something, perhaps my referral to the pain specialist, had me anxious and then The Canadians surprise visited for a week and I was taking the Xanax to stay calm about all of those things - one each night before bed - and for about a week after they left, I kept taking it. There was always a reason, an excuse. It was the one pill before bed and it took me a week to stop. I found out right after that it had spiked my liver levels, so I have to watch myself hard on that end. It is a fine line to walk, between what I need and what I want. Between legitimate reasons that I take something and always finding that excuse to do it more. Having the Flexeril and Xanax back in the house is a hard thing, having it right there next to my bed, temptation sitting so close.

But I did it. I didn’t fall back into the oblivion where everything floats, including myself, floating away. That’s what happened to me. I floated away and lost myself. I’ve never talked much about how bad it was during that last year, how close I came to death so many times. Taking my weight in milligrams in one day, half my weight in one sitting, mixing things that should never be mixed. How much of myself was gone, how altered my personality was, how I was too gone to even notice I was missing myself. It felt wonderful to live like that, but it was only afterwards that I realized I wasn’t living, that I realized how close I had come to not living at all.

And here I am, 5 years later, making this post. Alive, functioning, living. As a kid I was told a lot of ‘be prepared things’ and one of them was that I probably wouldn’t live past 30. With the drugs, I almost made that a reality. But now I have lived past all of that and far beyond what the naysayers said I would and though there is so much more pain and regret to this story than I have shared here, there is also joy and love and support and triumph, and for today - for today, I am proud.
 
 
 
Kate: Pirate King adulationceitfianna on January 10th, 2015 09:27 pm (UTC)
*hugs you* You're amazing and congratulations on five years!
dodger_sister: hugdodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 01:28 am (UTC)
Thank you! It is hard to believe, but here I am. <3
Shirebound: Piglet dancingshirebound on January 10th, 2015 09:35 pm (UTC)
What a marvelous, insightful description of this time in your life. "Stunned and joyed" indeed... I'm so very proud of you.
dodger_sister: hope and lovedodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 01:29 am (UTC)
What a marvelous, insightful description of this time in your life

Thank you! I am finally at a safe place in my life where I can think about in detail and reflect on it all and it has been illuminating. <3
(Deleted comment)
dodger_sister: hope and lovedodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 01:30 am (UTC)
Thank you! :)
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on January 10th, 2015 11:16 pm (UTC)
You have every right to be fucking proud, lady!
dodger_sister: hugdodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 01:31 am (UTC)
You have every right to be fucking proud, lady!

:) Thank you, babe! It is so weird though, to be so proud of something that started with so much shame. But I've worked hard for 5 years, so I decided to try and let go of the fact that I messed up in the first place and focus on how I have moved on from that. It feels great!
(no subject) - vikingprincess on January 13th, 2015 01:34 am (UTC) (Expand)
Who'da thought, baby? We're civilians.dugindeep on January 11th, 2015 12:45 am (UTC)
I'm happy that you're so proud and strong. And very happy you're still here so that we could meet and know one another. ♥
dodger_sister: hope and lovedodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 01:33 am (UTC)
I'm happy that you're so proud and strong. And very happy you're still here so that we could meet and know one another. ♥

Aww, thank you! Me too. I think of all the wonderful things I have experienced in the last five years - getting to know you included! - and am so grateful that I allowed myself the chance to experience them!
crucis01crucis01 on January 11th, 2015 01:33 am (UTC)
You are AMAZING! Not only did you accept there was a problem, you chose to, and did deal with the consequences. You are a hero in the best definition of the word. Bravo!!!!
dodger_sister: hope and lovedodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 01:37 am (UTC)
You are AMAZING! Not only did you accept there was a problem, you chose to, and did deal with the consequences. You are a hero in the best definition of the word. Bravo!!!!

Hello & Thank You! Sometimes it feels so strange to be praised for dealing with something that I never should have been doing in the first place, but then I look at others I know who have problems with addiction and whom refuse to accept that reality and face up to it and move forward and I know it could have easily gone the other way for me. Thank you so much the kind words on my big day!
lindahoylandlindahoyland on January 11th, 2015 03:14 am (UTC)
Good for you. I'm very glad you are here and to have got to know you.
dodger_sister: hope and lovedodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 01:38 am (UTC)
Good for you. I'm very glad you are here and to have got to know you.

Thank you so much! This journal has been a blessing to deal with the good days and the bad days and having such a great group of friends here! <3
Jo Annyeuxdebleu on January 11th, 2015 03:49 am (UTC)
Congratulations! I took Oxycontin in 2012 when I had a terrible sciatica attack, but it made me feel as though I was floating outside of my body looking in so after two weeks, I quit taking it. Physical therapy cured the problem.

I have kidney disease now and the only pain killer I can take is Tylenol. I certainly hope I never need anything stronger because there is nothing I can take.

Again, congratulations on achieving five years.
dodger_sister: hope and lovedodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 01:44 am (UTC)
Thank you! :)

I took Oxycontin in 2012 when I had a terrible sciatica attack, but it made me feel as though I was floating outside of my body

I loved that feeling though - was terribly addicted to that feeling as much as I was the chemicals in the drugs themselves. I tried a lot of things over the course of the years and the only one I really didn't care for at all was Morphine - which apparently made me hallucinate (as I was told by people that I would talk to others who weren't there, though I recall very little of it) and dried me out so bad that I was literally ripping my skin off scratching. But the Oxy feeling was the best and I could have lived in that floating cloud forever - or at last I thought I could have at the time.

I have kidney disease now and the only pain killer I can take is Tylenol. I certainly hope I never need anything stronger because there is nothing I can take.

I have liver disease and made it worse with the drugs, so I must also watch what I take. They have a new narcotic called Norco that is what my doctors have approved me to take if I ever need something stronger than Ibuprofen. IDK how it works on kidney disease but it may be an idea to ask your doctor, if you ever do need something stronger - though hopefully not - about Norco.

Thank you so much for the support!
(no subject) - yeuxdebleu on January 14th, 2015 02:28 am (UTC) (Expand)
bugeyedmonsterbugeyedmonster on January 11th, 2015 04:03 am (UTC)
Congrats, and glad that you are still here.
dodger_sister: hugdodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 01:45 am (UTC)
Thank you very much! I am glad as well. :)
fragrantwoods: laura kara hugfragrantwoods on January 12th, 2015 02:03 pm (UTC)
I'm incredibly happy for you! Pain-killers are so insidious, and when they're needed, I can only imagine the struggle. You rock and are awesome
:-)
dodger_sister: hugdodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 01:47 am (UTC)
I'm incredibly happy for you! Pain-killers are so insidious, and when they're needed, I can only imagine the struggle. You rock and are awesome

Thank you! <3

I know we've talked about my struggle with pills a bit before and yes that is the major issue - some of these things I genuinely need and when I am holding the bottle in my hand, it is so easy to take 2 or 3, when I know all I really need is 1. It is such a line to walk, so thank you so much for al the support!
shroudedwingsshroudedwings on January 13th, 2015 03:21 am (UTC)
HI! i was reading random post whn i came across this. I just want to say that you are amazing, you managed to stay strong throughout. Hope you continue to stay clean!! wishing you the best.
dodger_sister: hope and lovedodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 10:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! Your words of support have put a smile on my face. <3
Trigger Warning: Life: ottersmatchboximpala on January 13th, 2015 06:50 am (UTC)
So glad to hear that another year has gone by and you are still in a really good place in your head. I know that it has been a very difficult year for your family, and for you, physically. However, you remain cheerful and positive and even when things are really tough you celebrate all the good things in your life. It makes me proud to be your friend.
dodger_sister: hugdodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 10:44 pm (UTC)
Thank you, darling!

I know that it has been a very difficult year for your family, and for you, physically. However, you remain cheerful and positive and even when things are really tough you celebrate all the good things in your life. It makes me proud to be your friend.

It was a tough year - more so than I have even shared here. I guess last year was a serious test of strength for me and here I am. :)

Awww, thank you. I am so glad that I came to LJ during my recovery and found such awesome peeps like you. <3
Denidenig37 on January 13th, 2015 05:52 pm (UTC)
dodger_sister: hugdodger_sister on January 13th, 2015 10:38 pm (UTC)
Uuunnhhh, Dean's face. This gif makes me happy!

Thank you, babe, for all the love! <3
lizibabes: Gerard redlizibabes on January 20th, 2015 01:33 am (UTC)
You know I love you, you are strong, and awesome, and I still remember seeing one of these posts years ago, after I'd followed you to look at fic, and thinking this woman is awesome, I had to comment. I'm glad I did, and I'm so glad you're still here, still fighting.

I could easily comment on all your posts, I'm so behind, but I don't want to spam you like crazy, but I have read them all. I need to get on Lj more!

But anyway, you rule, and I'm very glad you are here. My life would have been less full for not knowing you.
dodger_sister: hugdodger_sister on January 25th, 2015 08:42 pm (UTC)
You know I love you,

Awww, I love you too!

you are strong, and awesome, and I still remember seeing one of these posts years ago, after I'd followed you to look at fic, and thinking this woman is awesome, I had to comment. I'm glad I did, and I'm so glad you're still here, still fighting.

Thank you, babe! That is making me beam!

But anyway, you rule, and I'm very glad you are here. My life would have been less full for not knowing you.

Damn, all the emotions I am having! Seriously, I never would have thought that the girl who mostly put up Bandom fic, of which I had zero interest, would end up being one of my best friends. Like the way we came together on here has been awesome and it really is people like you (and you particularly) who have given me the support I needed to make it this far, so thank you. I am happy to still be here, everyday.
(no subject) - lizibabes on January 29th, 2015 10:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)