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10 January 2016 @ 05:19 pm
Like I'm Close To Something Real.  
Today is my 6th anniversary sober. I have been drug free - drug compliant - for 6 years now.

I seem to say, every year on this day, that ‘this year has been the hardest’. As if every year is the hardest. Which I guess it is.


But this year has been harder on an emotional level. I’ve had years where I wanted to take a handful of pain pills just to stop feeling my body for a few hours. And I’m not saying that doesn’t sound pleasant, because it does, but this year I have struggled more with the emotional side of the addiction. For one because they put me on a better medication, which helps my pain. Also I stopped holding back on taking the pain pills. Like I need some relief and that’s okay. It was the abuse of the pills that got me into trouble. So now I allow myself to take one Norco every night and that has been a great help in cutting down on my desire to take handfuls of pills for pain relief, because I am aware that come 9pm there will be some.

So my desire to float my body away is far less this year than my desire to float my mind away, mostly due to Mom’s health and the extreme stress that has brought on. There was a night this past week where my sister was at my mom’s bedside quite late and I had to do all the ‘get ready for bed’ stuff myself, which also includes getting my own pain pill from the not-so-secret spot she hides them in. Things were not good with mom and I had been on the phone all night with family and my cousin and I had a bit of a spit and I held that bottle in my hand and just thought how easy it would be to get away from all that shit by taking a couple extra pills.

I didn’t, but I could have. That’s always the thing - I can at any time now. It’s in the house. I know where it is. I can reach it. It would take a bit of effort on my part to get to it, but I can. And every day I don’t, I remind myself that I didn’t. This week was rough, but I said every day, “Oh, your only 6 days out from your anniversary don’t blow it now.” - “Four days, you don’t want to fuck up this close to the date, do you?” Sometimes it’s the little things that get you through it.

I was talking with an old friend today who is about 3 months sober himself and still struggling. He asked me if I noticed an almost giddy-feeling once the poison was out of my system. I told him that once I was done detoxing, little pieces of myself started coming back, pieces I had forgotten about, that I didn’t even realize were missing, that it was like finding myself again and there was an almost euphoric feeling that came with that. His eyes were wide and he was nodding his head and I could see he knew what I meant, that he is in that state right now. After he left, I wished I had told him to hang on to that feeling. Because it will subside, but it’s what I cling to on bad days. I’m accustomed to those pieces of myself again, but I remember what it felt like when I was getting them back after so long and I remember how happy it made me and I want to cling to that feeling and understand I will lose all of those pieces if I let myself give in.

But I didn’t. Not this year. No matter how rough things got or how much I needed to quiet my brain at times, I didn’t give in. I didn’t. I didn’t lose those bits of myself. I am still whole. And that’s worth celebrating.

So thank you to all of you who have been my shoulder and my ear and my friend this past year. You are one of those pieces of myself that I don’t want to lose and I am glad that this year, I didn’t.
 
 
 
Shirebound: Valentine snoopyshirebound on January 10th, 2016 11:22 pm (UTC)
but I can. And every day I don’t, I remind myself that I didn’t.

I'm proud of you. Incredibly proud.
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 03:44 am (UTC)
Thank you for the support. You can't know how much it means to me. <3
crucis01crucis01 on January 10th, 2016 11:30 pm (UTC)
We've ever met in person but for what's it worth I think you are fantastic! You have tremendous courage and perseverance or else you would not have worked so hard on your addiction. I know it's been hard. I am proud to be a net friend! Bravo and kudos to you!
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 03:46 am (UTC)
I believe the first post you ever commented on here was a post about my sobriety. So I think sometimes of the little things, like how without staying sober, you and I wouldn't be sitting here talking to each other right now. And that means so much to me, that friends like you give me the little moments I need. Thank you. <3
crucis01crucis01 on March 4th, 2016 06:14 am (UTC)
You are more then welcome!I know what it means to have someone reaching out to you and not even knowing
they are providing comfort! I am delighted you are here and I hope you will be fir decades to come! {HUGS}
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on January 10th, 2016 11:38 pm (UTC)
Way to go, babe! You are AWESOME!
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 03:49 am (UTC)
Thank you. You can't understand, because I don't have the words - me, the writer that I am - for how much you have helped me in this fight. Sobriety may be an individual's struggle, but it is not an individual's fight because I have an army behind me and you are right there with me. I love you, babe! <3
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on March 4th, 2016 12:31 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to be able to help in some small way, and I love you too.
Kate: Hiding Catceitfianna on January 11th, 2016 12:02 am (UTC)
*hugs* You're amazing and I"m sorry that everything is so hard right now.
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 04:01 am (UTC)
It's been a long six years and a longer six months, but I'm still standing. You can't know, I can't express, how much your friendship and support has meant to me. Truly. Thank you. Thank you. <3
40 Acres & a Strip Club: R&I Hugzpoisontaster on January 11th, 2016 01:07 am (UTC)
*hugs* Here's to another year.
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 04:03 am (UTC)
Thank you. It has now been 6 years, 1 month and 22 days. And I am still standing. <3

Edited at 2016-03-04 04:04 am (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 04:05 am (UTC)
Thank you. The support, the love, amazes me every time <3
lindahoylandlindahoyland on January 11th, 2016 04:09 am (UTC)
You have done great. Big hugs.
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 04:06 am (UTC)
Thank you. Every person like you in my life makes it just a little bit easier to keep my head above the water. Thank you. <3
lindahoylandlindahoyland on March 5th, 2016 02:23 am (UTC)
That means a lot to me, hugs.
wolfrider89: D/C <3 :Dwolfrider89 on January 11th, 2016 04:34 pm (UTC)
<3<3<3<3 Så jävla bra kämpat! (<-- the only thing I could think of to sum up my feelings. Roughly translated: So fucking well fought! Just... I am so happy I know you. <3)
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 04:10 am (UTC)
Thank you. I love this phrase. Because it is a fight. Every day. But I know you are part of the army that stands behind me in my sobriety. I love you so much, bb. You help make me strong. Thank you. <3

(eeee, messages in other languages make me happy!)
wolfrider89: Lev H/P/Ewolfrider89 on March 16th, 2016 08:46 am (UTC)
I love you so much, bb. You help make me strong.

I love you too! So happy I can help in whatever small way I do. :)



(eeee, messages in other languages make me happy!)
Haha, that's excellent! Älskar dig! (Love you!)
Trigger Warning: Life: cutematchboximpala on January 12th, 2016 07:16 am (UTC)
You are amazingly resilient and I hope each day from now on is easier for you.

Bless you!

heresahug

Edited at 2016-01-12 07:16 am (UTC)
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 05:02 am (UTC)
Thank you. Your support means everything to me, darling. The days aren't getting much easier, but knowing my friends are always there for me, friends like you, makes it a little better. <3
Jo Ann: GOT: Joffrey applauding GIFyeuxdebleu on January 13th, 2016 07:10 am (UTC)
Well done, my friend. I'm very proud of you.
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 05:03 am (UTC)
Thank you. The support, your support, is so amazing and appreciated. <3
bugeyedmonsterbugeyedmonster on January 16th, 2016 03:26 am (UTC)
Well done, kudos to you, hugs and we are all proud of you.
dodger_sister: thank youdodger_sister on March 4th, 2016 05:05 am (UTC)
Thank you. The outpouring of love makes every day a little easier to keep my head up. <3.