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22 February 2011 @ 10:20 pm
Fic: Hookers and Blow - PG-13, Dean/Cas & Sam, AU, Crack, Humor  
So, after The BFF handed in her last law school paper, she called me and said, "Hookers and blow from here on out!" It became a running gag for us for about two weeks - we ended all our calls with, "Got to go. Time for hookers and blow." - "Want to come down on Friday? It's hookers and blow night." Etc. Because we find ourselves amusing.

Anyway, my sister left me unattended for an hour while she got ready for The BFF's celebratory dinner and - well, leave me unattended for an hour and this is what you get.

For those of you waiting for another epic awesome Dean/Cas fic like my last one...sorry to say, this isn't it. Instead you get Crack. (Crack I am rather proud of, but Crack nonetheless).

Or as I call it - Ridiculous!Dean. PG-13 for ridiculous!Dean and mentions of hookers and blow. AU, Crack, Humor - Dean/Castiel (kind of) and Sam/Castiel (not really). 584 words for my girl, liptonrm


Title: Hookers and Blow (or W.M.L.)
Author: The Artful Dodger / dodger_sister
Fandom: Supernatural
Category: AU, Crack, Humor
Characters/Pairing: Dean, Castiel & Sam with Dean/Castiel (kind of) & Sam/Castiel (not really)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Ridiculous!Dean and obviously mentions of hookers and blow.
Spoilers: None, it’s Crack AU.
Summary: Sam was joking when he said he wanted hookers and blow. And yet, there is a hooker sitting on his couch.
Word Count: 584 words
Date Written: 01/22/2010
Disclaimer: “Supernatural” is Eric Kripke’s and The CW Network’s. I don’t even want to know what they would think of this. I wrote this fic, makes me no money, good thing liptonrm will be a rich lawyer someday and buy me shoes.
Feedback: Bring it. dodger_sister / TheArtofDodger@comcast.net
Beta’d: Nope.
Author's Notes: So, when my best friend in the whole wide world, liptonrm, finished her last class of law school EVER, she may have said something like - “Hookers and blow from here on out!” It kind of became a running joke with us for about a week or two. Then today, I was in the bathroom, getting dressed for her graduation day dinner and I started thinking about the hookers-and-blow comment. Following which I had like an hour to kill while my sister showered and got ready for the celebratory dinner and well…leave me unattended for a hour, this is what you get.
Dedication (or Apology): liptonrm, I don’t know what the hell this story is, but I find myself amusing. On another note - I AM SO FRICKING PROUD OF YOU AND LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH AND YOU SERIOUSLY DESERVE ALL THE HOOKERS AND BLOW EVER!!! /big giant hugs/




One week after Sam’s law school graduation, he came into the living and found a strange man sitting there.

“Hey,” Sam said to the man.

The man - untamed, slightly spikey, dark hair and big blue eyes - looked up at Sam and nodded. “Hello there,” he said.

“Is my brother…”

But then Dean came tearing into the living room and stopped just short of running into Sam’s broad chest.

“Hey, Sammy, got you some presents for graduation,” he said with a big stupid grin.

“Graduation was last week and you already got me a new laptop, which I told you not to, so…”

Dean was sort of bouncing on his toes and smiling gleefully and Sam just stopped talking because he knew for a fact that Dean wasn’t even listening to him anyway.

“But these presents are better.”

Sam looked around the living room to see if there was a stack of gifts somewhere, but all he saw was the stranger on the couch.

“So, you got me a dude for my graduation?” Sam asked and gestured at the man.

“Hookers and blow,” Dean said matter-of-factly.

“Say what now?”

“Last week, after graduation, I hugged you and said some chick shit about being proud of you and you said some chick shit and then you said, ‘hookers and blow from here on out’ and waved your arms in the air.”

Dean was smiling up at Sam, clearly waiting to be told how awesome he was.

“Wait…did you get me cocaine?”

“Uh…no? Because that would be wrong and illegal?”

“Dean!”

“So you don’t want the blow?”

No, Dean, I don’t want the blow.”

“Bummer. Me neither.” Dean pointed over at the man on the couch. “Hooker, do you want the blow?”

The man made a strange facial expression that Sam could not quite read and said simply, “I do not.”

“I’m pretty sure his name isn’t Hooker, Dean.”

His brother just shrugged. “Yeah, but I can’t pronounce his name. It’s like Cassomething, something, whatever.”

“Castiel,” the man said gruffly.

“Hi, I’m Sam, sorry about my brother,” and Sam sort of half-waved at the man.

Dean just glared up at him.

“You don’t appreciate the things I do for you, Sammy.”

“You got me a hooker.”

“What’s the problem? You don’t want a dude-hooker?”

“I don’t want a hooker-hooker, Dean.” Then Sam turned to the man and smiled apologetically. “No offense.”

“Why would I be offended?” the man asked and he sounded like he actually didn’t know the answer.

Dean shrugged. “Fine, I’ll take the hooker then. Hooker,” Dean said and pointed at the man. “Cas-whatever,” he added after glancing at Sam’s scowling face, “go wait in my room. And remove thy clothes.”

Remove thy clothes?” Sam said with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s fancy speak for get naked,” Dean told him. “I’m gonna go flush the cocaine.”

Dean ran out of the room in a rather giddy fashion and the hooker, Castiel, slowly stood up from the couch, looking rather dejected.

“Are you sure you don’t wish to engage my services?” he asked Sam hopefully.

“Sorry, buddy, not really my scene.”

Castiel just sort of hung his head and muttered, “Woe my life.”

Sam awkwardly patted the man’s shoulder. “I think the phrase you are looking for is F.M.L.

“Hooker!” Dean hollered from the bedroom.

“Indeed,” Castiel said and headed towards the back of the house.

Sam went to see if there was any leftover pizza and then turned the TV up really, really loud.


The End
 
 
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on February 23rd, 2011 03:54 am (UTC)
this is awesome crackilicious crackitty-crack-crack goodness of crackdom!

and also, it's hilarious.
dodger_sister: smirkdodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 08:43 pm (UTC)
Haha - thank you! this is awesome crackilicious crackitty-crack-crack goodness of crackdom! - That is exactly what I was hoping for! ;) Your comments always rule!
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on February 26th, 2011 01:49 am (UTC)
Ha ha, thank you!
Nicole Sillnicole_sill on February 23rd, 2011 09:11 am (UTC)
FML indeed, Castiel. This was awesomely cracktastic. Thank you!
dodger_sister: happydodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 08:45 pm (UTC)
I know, poor Castiel. lol Awesomely cracktastic is a great compliment. Thank you!
Kevin Jonesmulder200 on February 23rd, 2011 09:14 am (UTC)
LMAO! That is awesome!
dodger_sister: squeedodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 08:45 pm (UTC)
Glad to make you laugh! Thanks! ;)
d767468d767468 on February 23rd, 2011 10:30 am (UTC)
Cracks me up! Dean running around yelling Hooker.
Cas looking to Sam to save him from Dean's attentions.
Too Funny!
dodger_sister: squeedodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 08:46 pm (UTC)
Ridiculous!Dean is awesome fun...and woe Castiel's life. Thank you so much!
ranua: squishranua on February 23rd, 2011 11:54 am (UTC)
Hookers and blow ftw! \o/

Oh hun, you serve up the best crack ever!

“It’s fancy speak for get naked,” Dean told him. “I’m gonna go flush the cocaine.” rotflmao!!
dodger_sister: humordodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 08:47 pm (UTC)
Yay! Glad you liked it. Crack is yummy. lol Thanks, babe!!
boggiecatboggiecat on February 23rd, 2011 05:35 pm (UTC)
hi - i've not read much crack! but this tickled my fancy so much that i might just go read some more, now. thanks for sharing!
dodger_sister: happydodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 08:49 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you gave it a try even though you don't usually read crack. And that you liked it so much makes me smile! :) Thank you!
Lady Pendragon: Adamangel_gospel on February 23rd, 2011 07:30 pm (UTC)
lol, How crackalicious! I love how Dean just keeps calling Cas hooker. xD Woe my life, indeed. xD
dodger_sister: smirkdodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 08:50 pm (UTC)
Dean was loads of fun to write in this, so I'm glad you enjoyed him so much. I know, poor Hooker!Cas needs hugs. Thanks! :)
wolfrider89: Em Misha happywolfrider89 on February 23rd, 2011 10:50 pm (UTC)
*tries to keep laughter quiet*

Oh, god, that was fantastic! Dean kept calling Cas "hooker" and I just couldn't stop laughing and now I'm kind of in love with this fic and writing long, rambly sentences about it and if I could, I would draw a big, red heart around it too.

*is tired*

Also? "Woe my life" and "Remove thy clothes" are just... hilarious!
dodger_sister: squeedodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 08:54 pm (UTC)
and if I could, I would draw a big, red heart around it too. - /claps hands/ That makes me happy, darling.

Remove thy clothes - Idek where this line came from in my head, but once it was on the page, I knew it was a keeper.


I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! Thank you!!

flawed_x_designflawed_x_design on February 24th, 2011 10:51 am (UTC)
“Uh…no? Because that would be wrong and illegal?”
see, in my head I read that in a way that said: 'um no? are you an idiot? that would be wrong and illegal? your an idiot.'
but then he ACTUALLY HAD GOTTEN COCAINE! LMAO!

'Woe My Life' hahaha


dodger_sister: smirkdodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 08:57 pm (UTC)
Yeah, Dean was maybe just suddenly realizing that Sam might not approve of him buying illegal things for Sam's law school graduation. lol I know, I was shocked too when Dean had actually bought the cocaine, and I was writing it!! haha

Woe My Life - Castiel is so awkward with human phrases even when he is one! Thanks for reading, babe. Glad you liked it!!
liptonrm: spn winchesters-marinarusalkaliptonrm on February 24th, 2011 09:29 pm (UTC)
Come on Sammy, what's not to love about hookers and blow! Don't be such a square!

Sam is obviously taking this whole "lawyer" thing a lot too seriously. He should learn to appreciate it when people do nice things for him or else he's going to lose out on an awesome time with the really attractive guy with the blue eyes. I'm just sayin'.

I, unlike Sam, appreciate all of the things you do for me, including this offering of hookers and blow. YOU'RE THE BEST!!!!
dodger_sister: squeedodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 09:00 pm (UTC)
I know, Sam is such a stick in the mud. It's like he thinks that as a lawyer he has to like, follow the law and shit.

Lawyer or not, YOU would never turn down Hooker!Castiel. Neither would I.

THANK YOU! YOU ARE THE BEST TOO!! HOOKERS AND BLOW FOREVER, BABY!!!
MoonGoddessShadowshadow_artemis on February 25th, 2011 12:26 am (UTC)
Good god, delicious crack! Never can get enough of this stuff, and lordy is this extra cracktastic. It's gonna be hard not to imagine Dean calling Cas 'Hooker' now. ^_^
dodger_sister: smirkdodger_sister on February 25th, 2011 09:02 pm (UTC)
I am so glad you enjoyed my brand of crack.

It's gonna be hard not to imagine Dean calling Cas 'Hooker' now.

haha - well, I'm glad I could ruin your Supernatural viewing experience by making you think abut Dean calling Cas 'Hooker' all the time. lol That actually makes me ridiculously happy.

Thank you so much!
Mal: ckr hehe by view_paradisemalnpudl on February 27th, 2011 04:53 am (UTC)
I suspect I'm going to be giggling over this all evening.
dodger_sister: squeedodger_sister on March 1st, 2011 05:34 am (UTC)
Thanks! Glad to make you giggle! :)
Giulia: SPN_Get thate0wyn on March 2nd, 2011 07:49 pm (UTC)
You know, crack is not my usual thing but this was great XD It looks like Dean got himself a nice, vicarious graduation present LOL
dodger_sister: deancasdodger_sister on March 5th, 2011 02:45 am (UTC)
I know, things seemed to have worked out in Dean's favor! lol Thanks!!
roxashasboxersroxashasboxers on July 4th, 2011 03:50 am (UTC)
Dean was smiling up at Sam, clearly waiting to be told how awesome he was.

I love Dean. He's so adorable. And he's right - Sam should appreciate him more *nods*

Loved this!
dodger_sister: squeedodger_sister on July 15th, 2011 10:46 pm (UTC)
I am away on vacation and come home to find this lovely little comment from you! Thank you!

Dean is the most adorable thing ever. Why doesn't Sam appreciate the things he does for him?! lol Thank you so much for the comment!
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )