dodger_sister (dodger_sister) wrote,
dodger_sister
dodger_sister

I Can’t Even.

So, after months of trash-talking 50 Shades of Grey, I finally decided to actually read it. I am regretting that decision immensely.

I had read bits and pieces of it before, some of the sex scene bits, and I had various thoughts on those, but I figured if I was going to keep talking trash every time someone brought it up, I’d better at least give it a chance. I really tried to go in with an open-mind, I did.


OMG. Let’s put aside my complete and utter offense on behalf of people who have actually been in freakishly controlling or abusive relationships or who have actually been stalked - (the main character even recognizes that he is stalking her at one point and she thinks it is romantic, that he came and rescued her when he tracked her cell-phone to the bar she was at, even though she refused to tell him where she was). Or how offensive this seems to be turning out for people who live healthy BDSM lifestyles, which I gather are nothing like this. Let’s just forget all of that, because frankly I go could on for quite awhile about the things I have read already and I am only just over 100 pages in. Just…okay, whatever.

Let’s talk about how, as a writer, I am utterly offended. If this shit is a best-selling novel, I am fucking Shakespeare over here, okay. In one paragraph, she uses 5 exclamation points. In the course of three sentences, she uses the word ‘besieged’ twice. Every time Christian walks into a room, it reads something like…‘Christian walked into the room. Holy crap! He is stunning in his blue blazer. Wow.’

If she uses ‘Holy crap!’, or ‘Wow’ one more time, I am going to burn this damn book! Watch me use as many exclamation points as she does! Over and over! Repeated use of the same words, phrases, exclamation points…

Also, for the record, she could not possibly be any more annoying as a character. She is constantly stating how everyone else is so attractive and competent and that she is just a little mousey awkward nobody who doesn’t deserve this attention. It gets old fast, but hey, no wonder he is interested in her - she is going to be so easy to mold to his over-bearing will.

I can’t even believe I have made it this far - 133 pages for the record. It couldn’t have even been that good when it was fanfic, because there are clear hints at some troubled background for Christian and if this were a proper fanfic, it would at least be partially his POV, so we could get all kinds of H/C details about his abusive childhood and who did such terrible things to him - (he says he’s never engaged in ‘vanilla sex’ before and I’m thinking, “Not even when he was like 16? WTF is that about?”). So then, where are all the details about his brokenness and how he got that way? Also, not that hardcore by fanfic standards - he isn’t into water sports, fire play or piercing play, among a few. No piercing play? Why not? Dude, he would never last in SPN fandom.

In my final laugh at this stupidity - his name is Christian and his brother’s name is Elliot. Yeah, she disguises her other fandom well, doesn’t she?

I think I will cleanse my mind after this with the traditional Christmas reading of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. Or maybe bleach. Whichever works best for brain-cleansing.
Tags: books ah books, christmas - the magic and the wonder, dirty old lady, douchebags, i apologize to my flist, wtfedyfff
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