This last year felt harder than the rest because post-concussion, I was so stressed out and anxious and also unable to do anything that I could have easily fallen back into it. When you are basically only able to lay around thinking about how sick you are and you can’t even sit up long enough to read or write as a distraction, it makes the haze and oblivion more tempting.
I actually wonder if I would still be clean if I had access to anything and I think the answer would probably be ‘no’. But we keep the Benadryl and nighttime cold pills up so high that I can’t reach them and the Xanax my sister hid somewhere that I wouldn’t even know where to start looking for it and since I am unable to just go on down to a street corner and get something, I have stayed sober by default.
Which bothers me sometimes, but then I remind myself that the real accomplishment is that I get up everyday and keep going forward with life and I do it on my own, raw with nothing in my system to dull the edges. That I have done this everyday for three years is kind of astonishing to me.
I feel accomplished that I just made it through another year. I think we all should celebrate that sometimes, because we all get up everyday and keep moving forward, and sometimes that’s a feat in itself.
In other news, hiyacynth and Munchy P are coming for a visit this weekend! I feel like I haven’t seen them in forever. And my sister made a FanGirl Jeopardy for us to play (it’s a thing she’s been doing for years and yes, it is as fun as it sounds!) so I am seriously psyched for the weekend!