dodger_sister (dodger_sister) wrote,

One Tree Hill & The Magnificent Seven

I was gonna title this post - "Incest and Buttsex, Sometimes Together" - but I thought only like a few people would get that I was going to talk about One Tree Hill and The Magnificent Seven, so...

First, I gotta get better at making icons. Probably wouldn't suck so hard if my photo program wasn't such a little bastard and would actually load on Murray (ie my new computer). Cuz I def. need some OTH icons and some Mag7 icons and some Angel icons. Maybe I'll have to spend some hours on Sunday doing those.

Now, One Tree Hill, Season One -

Let me start with my new OTP on OTH - Tim/Mouth. No, wait, this totally makes sense! Remember when Tim came to set up for Haley's first party and Mouth was there getting the DJ stuff ready? Tim was all, "S'up, Nose?" and Mouth was all, "It's Mouth." and Tim was all, "Whatever." Oh yeah, I could ship that.

What's up with Whitey? I thought, "Emergency eye surgery that didn't come after some terrible accident? Wow, bad writing OTH." But then it turns out that the writers don't just suck - Whitey isn't having eye surgery. What's up? Heart problems? Probably, it is OTH after all. When he all hugs Lucas in the hospital - eep.

Keith proposes to Karen - and she says NO. TF, Karen? You're gonna be sorry later! (seriously, you will, I've seen what happens.) Wow, Keith's life really blows. I am very happy with Lucas leaving with Keith at the end of the season, for the following reasons - a) I love Keith's fatherly relationship with Lucas, it must have warmed his heart that Lucas wanted to live with him (shut up!) - b) it was nice to see Karen not portrayed as the perfect mother, like she usually is, though mostly I just wish parents would ground their children on this show - c) it made for a good last shot of them leaving together at the end of the season - and d) otherwise Keith would have just drank himself to death, seriously, that man's life is kind of harsh.

The whole thing with Brooke's fake pregnancy - blahblahblah except...Dan pulling out his Secret Lucas Shoebox of Lucas' Life That He Could Have Been A Part Of Had He Not Been An Idiot-Bastard - and...Karen hitting Lucas. Now calm down - I don't actually like that part because of some perverse need to see people beat on Chad Michael Murray (though I do have that perverse need). I liked it because of Lucas' face afterwards and the way he curls in on himself and backs into a corner all defensive. Okay, wait, it is some perverse need to see people beat on Chad, cuz my mind immediately flashed to all the broken!Chad fics I ever read. I watched that scene several times (maybe more than that scene in Season 3 or 4 where he confesses to his mom about his heart and says "I need you, Mom" because what, shut up, Lucas was boring as hell that season, that at least was interesting and broken!crying!Chad is all delicious.)

Haley and Nathan got married so they could have sex. WTF? Good Lord, I know most of these shows, including OTH, have kids having sex left and right with various and sundry, but good lord. Haley and Nathan are good together (and far more interesting in first season than they ever were in 3rd and 4th season) and frankly, Nathan is a giant slut, but if she loves him enough to marry him, she probably could have slept with him already. It's stupid and also, yeah, hi, in what state can 16 year olds get married without their parents permission? Lame.

Lucas and Nathan - why so incestuous, CW? Let's skip back from their final end moment together where I squeed because it was the first time Lucas ever called Nathan "Little Brother" and I'm a dork like that and love that bullshit. Let's go back to Lucas in the car accident, in the coma, oh he won't wake up or respond for anyone - not Brooke, his mom, Peyton, Keith, no one...enter Nathan. "You have to wake up, man." - puts hand on Lucas' hand and yeah, days in a coma, but the sound of Nathan's voice and the feel of his touch and...Lucas curls his fingers into Nathan's and opens his eyes.

Why So Incestuous, CW? I Love You, CW.

One A Side Note: I saw an ad for this last season of One Tree Hill that just aired and good lord, Mouth. I always wanted to lick that, but he's all grown-up now and hot damn.

Why, Best Buy, why did you have all the seasons of One Tree Hill EXCEPT Season Two. I needs Season Two.

Magnificent Seven, the tv series, circa 1998, Season One -

Mag 7 has all the things you would expect from a western - cliches, hot men, fast horses, faster guns, and loads of slash.

Starting with our cliched characters -

- Gunslinger with an angst-filled-mysterious past
- Bounty Hunter with a heart of gold (who now has a bounty on his own head, btw)
- Horny Pornstache Guy with a serious protective streak (I totally called that he was going to take Over-Eager Kid under his wing and teach him the ways of the Wild West, presumably including the joys of buttsex.)
- Older Spiritual Guy (who turns out is actually Alcoholic Ex-Priest - though to be fair, they all seem to be alcoholics on this show)
- Con Man turned Reluctant Hero (from New Orleans)
- Former Slave turned Army Medic (who we first see being hung by a mob)
- Over-Eager Kid who has read one too many gunslinger novels (good lord, someone teach this kid how to shoot!)

If I could only ride with one of these guys - I'd choose Pornstache Guy. He's my favorite in so many ways. I'd tap that, he wouldn't be awful to spend a lot of alone time with because he's entertaining and he'd totally have my back in all ways, including with a gun.

If I could only sleep with/date one of these guys, I'd choose Former-Slave turned Army Medic - he's sweet, he's a good shot and he's hella hot. Plus, medic.

If I had to spend the rest of my life with just one of these guys, I'd choose Con Man. He's cute, funny, we'd make good money through crime and life would never be dull. Plus, the man knows how to dress.

Guest stars from first season include - Marita from The X-Files, Albie from Hustle (was so excited by this!), Red from That 70's Show, Bear from The X-Files, Whitey from One Tree Hill (aka Maurice from Northern Exposure), Dr. Greene's Dad from ER (aka Holling from Northern Exposure), that kid from Liar Liar, and Dr. Kelso from Scrubs.

How slashy is Mag7?

Gunslinger and Bounty Hunter - I called that from the first scene they were in. The first time we see any of The 7, we see these two. And they don't speak at all to each other. They just eye-fuck the shit out of one another and then give this silent nod and I'm like, "Yeah, so they are either going to shoot at the mob of people in the street, or go off to have the buttsex, or both." Which, um, yeah, hi, they are hanging my boyfriend in the street, no big deal, jack-asses, carry on with the eye-fucking. (And, yes, I plan on continuing with my theme of using the word buttsex through-out the rest of this post.) So, yeah, Gunslinger/Bounty Hunter.

Then Gunslinger is all, "I have this friend, he's always willing to help me out," and enter Pornstache Guy. I called their mysterious past relationship too. Yeah, it gets revealed later. Tell me that Gunslinger and Dead Wife and Pornstache Guy weren't living in a threesome. They so were. Little Boy, yeah, I don't think Gunslinger is the biological father there, sparky. Pornstache Guy says, "I think you know how I felt about that boy of yours." And then there's this misty bright flashback of Pornstache Guy riding a horse with Little Boy on his lap and Gunslinger and Dead Wife watching them all laughing and smiling and hello - Threesome in the Wild West. So, yeah, Gunslinger/Pornstache Guy and Gunslinger/Dead Wife/Pornstache Guy with their ass-baby.

But it's okay, I mean, Gunslinger is all angsted out and then he meets Marita, so, it's totally fine that Pornstache Guy has decided to teach Over-Eager Kid the ways of the West, ie shooting, drinking, women, buttsex. In the first episode, there is mock-wrestling and giggling and slapping at each other playfully. Okay, so, yeah, Pornstache Guy/Over-Eager Kid.

Con Man is clearly going to overcome his racism when Former Slave turned Army Medic has to nurse him back to health at some point and then he will break through his bigotry with love and sexy times. Yeah, so ready for some Former-Slave/Con Man.

I could even make an argument for Former Slave turned Army Medic to be slashed with Older Spiritual Guy, especially since they have a standing friendship at the beginning of the show.

So, then I started thinking about writing a SPN AU wherein they are all cowboys of the Mag7 variety. I have it all planned out who each of the seven SPN peeps would be. Then I needed a case for them to do. I thought, "Ha, it'd be funny if Yellow-Eyes ran a brothel and was mean to his women folk, cuz Fred Lehne did that on Firefly." Next episode starts up and yep, there is a brothel and the pimp is being mean to his women folk. It wasn't Fred Lehne though. But Pornstache Guy was taking Over-Eager Kid there, you know, to learn about sex (and then maybe later, to learn about buttsex.) Because, oh yeah, they have to leave before either one of them gets laid and they go back to town and take baths together!

See, I'm not just obsessed with Gay Cowboys.

Okay, yes, I am, but whatever.

In Sum: It's not high quality TV, but the boys are pretty and the ridiculous is ridiculous and there are guns and in at least one of these shows, there are horses.

In Sum Part 2: Are we all aware that the episode of "Firefly" that Fred Lehne did was about a brothel on the Moon of Deadwood? Yup, Deadwood.
Tags: brothers!, chad michael murray is my douchebag, firefly - serenity is my home, guys with guns are hot, incestuously gay cw brothers, one tree hill is my after-school special, tv show blahblahblahing, vortex swallowed me, yellow-eyed demon can be my pimp

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