I hate everything right now. Short-ish version cuz I'm in bed typing on my IPad's screen keyboard, but I spent all day Saturday in the ER. Because I passed out. On the toilet. In the middle of peeing. They scanned, xrayed and ultrasounded my brain, abdomen, kidneys, bladder, ribs and chest, as well as labwork and urine and all they came up with was a UTI. I looked it up and WebMD says nothing about passing out being a symptom of a UTI and the Mayo Clinic only lists it in the 'if it's turned into a kidney infection' section. But several message boards have people complaining about being dizzy/faint during urination with a UTI, though no one mentions actually passing out. A relative told me that she always knows the exact moment she gets a UTI because she gets a sudden massive dizzy spell out of nowhere and then 15 minutes later she starts having to pee like crazy. IDEFK at this point.

My mom asked me how I felt about that diagnosis and I said, "I don't even fucking know anymore, Mom. I give up. If the doctors say it's a UTI, then it's a fucking UTI. Whatever. I can't even deal with it, so yeah, sure, it's a UTI." Idk if it is or not or if that was the cause of the fainting - maybe a few days of antibiotics will help determine that - but I just can't deal with my body anymore. I've had it. I mean, I'm currently afraid to go pee and it's terrifying. And fuck, I'd finally started to really come back from that bronchitis, had such a good day on Friday; got dressed, ran errands, hung out with The BFF and was actually engaging in the socialization like at my normal level, stayed up until 10 like a pro...and twelve hours later was on my way to the ER in an ambulance.

It all started with a sharp pain in my side, so UTI or passing a kidney stone, yeah maybe. Or maybe my body is trying to kill me again. It wouldn't be the first time. That's what an auto-immune disorder is, your body attacking itself - and I have two of them. Ugh. You guys, I haven't even told you half of the shit that is going on with me these last two months because there is so much and it sucks so bad and I'm in not the best of places emotionally (though that was finally starting to look up for a second) and I've had to go on anti-anxiety meds and FUCK ALL. I'm just getting tired of this shit and I needed to vent it out. In a few days, I'm going to go back to working on my zen routine - it was going pretty good there for a minute, but nothing like a day at the hospital to set me back, right?

Anyways, I miss you guys. I wanna get some stable energy levels back - even low ones, as long as they are stable - so I can be back regularly with my peeps and my fandoms, where I belong.