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10 January 2017 @ 05:39 pm
The Best Of Me Is Still Hiding Up My Sleeve.  
Today I have lived seven years longer than I should have, than I could have. Today I have been sober for seven years.

It is so strange to go back and read my old posts about each year and how I felt then. I always feel elated, but there is more reflection as the years go on, I think. You can read my old sobriety entries here - 6 months, 1 year, 18 months, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years, 6 years.

I don’t know if I have ever shared with anyone the whole story of the day I had my moment of clarity. I will tell you that I used up my Oxy fast, always. And towards the end, to make it stretch, I would make cocktails of skittles - muscle relaxes, benadryl, xanax, cold pills, sleeping pills, anything I could get my hands on. And I was taking way too much Oxy, even with the cocktails. I once took 100mg in a four hour period. I once took 60mg and 2 shots of fire whiskey in a 3 hour period. I was a mess, to say the least.


But the day of clarity came after several failed attempts to wean myself off the Oxy, three months of try and fail. And when I failed, when I couldn’t handle it, I would take five or six pills at once, falling right back into it. So here I was, more or less given up on getting sober and taking as much Oxy and everything else that I wanted. And I looked at what I had - ten Oxys left to last me two weeks - and I thought to myself, “This will never last. I take this much in a day. How did I take so many that I wound up here so far before my new script date? Even if I mix and match, I’ll never make it.”

And then I thought, “Unless I snort it. It’ll last longer if I crush it into powder. A half a pill will last me hours. Yeah, that’ll make it last.” And so I got up from the edge of the toilet, where I was sitting, where I'd poured out my few remaiming pills onto the sink and contemplated my options. I stood up and started out of the bathroom, thinking, “The little brown knife will do a good job. It can cut them in threes and then I’ll turn it to the flat side and crush. That knife will work well.” And I was picturing it in my mind, how to do it - crush, wet finger, dip and snort. I remembered how my cousin got terrible nose bleeds for years because he snorted coke. I wondered briefly if I would get nose bleeds too.

And then a voice in my head came through and said, “What are you doing? Snorting Oxy? That’ll kill you. Remember when your friend kept trying to get you to take Ecstasy and you were like, doesn’t he know how small you are and how strongly you react to pills? Remember that? What are you doing now? This is basically cocaine you’re about to ingest like this.”

And I stopped walking. And I looked at the pills I had left and tried to imagine getting through the next two weeks with only ten. And I thought about snorting it. I pictured it in my head. And the voice said, “If you do this, do it knowing that it means your death. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon. This will kill you. Do it, but do it knowing that.”

“Or what?” I thought.

“Or stop,” the voice said. “Stop right now.”

And before I could think, I was scooping the pills into the bottle and throwing it into the back of my closet. I wasn’t ready to throw them out. I don’t know if I was scared of detoxing or if I was scared of failing. I don’t know if I thought I would fail, or I hoped I would fail, or I just couldn’t quite bring myself to flush them. But I threw them into the back of the closet and they stayed there for the rest of the day. And the rest of the week. And for six months after that, until I fished them out and dumped them.

I was sober. I was detoxing, but I was sober. That day. And the next. And the next. I was given a choice and chose Life.

Today I am seven years out from that moment. I have lived seven years longer than I should have. And did you know as a kid all the doctors, parents and naysayers told me I probably wouldn’t live to 30? I am eight and a half years out from that. Some days I get frustrated with myself for not doing enough, for not doing anything, for not beating down the fatigue and getting up. But then I remember that every day is just icing on a very big cake. That as long as I keep breathing, I am defying the odds.

So today I celebrate and eat cake. I don’t actually have cake, but I still have Christmas candy, so I’ll probably eat that. Thank you, all of you, for being on this journey with me. Here’s to tomorrow and the day after that!
 
 
 
Shirebound: Piglet dancingshirebound on January 10th, 2017 11:14 pm (UTC)
“Stop right now.”

WOW Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm even PROUDER of you than I was before, which was considerable.

You totally deserve cake!
dodger_sister: amazingdodger_sister on January 10th, 2018 04:24 am (UTC)
WOW Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm even PROUDER of you than I was before, which was considerable.

Thank you. This was a hard story to tell, but I felt it was time. And I feel joy in your pride for me.. <3
lindahoylandlindahoyland on January 10th, 2017 11:46 pm (UTC)
Congratulations. I'm happy you are still around. Hugs.
dodger_sister: amazingdodger_sister on January 10th, 2018 04:25 am (UTC)
Congratulations. I'm happy you are still around. Hugs.

Thank you. There was a time in my life where I know I wouldn’t have said, “I am glad to still be around too,” but now I can say, for sure, I am too.
bugeyedmonsterbugeyedmonster on January 11th, 2017 02:45 am (UTC)
Glad that you're still here. Congrats on the sobriety anniversary, and you should so have cake!
dodger_sister: amazingdodger_sister on January 10th, 2018 04:26 am (UTC)
Glad that you're still here. Congrats on the sobriety anniversary, and you should so have cake!.

A year out on this comment and another anniversary is nearly here. Thank you, friend.
Kate: Wellington Rosesceitfianna on January 11th, 2017 03:35 am (UTC)
Wow, that's a powerful story and I'm so glad that you're around.
dodger_sister: amazingdodger_sister on January 10th, 2018 04:31 am (UTC)
Wow, that's a powerful story and I'm so glad that you're around.

Thank you. I know I had been wanting to share this story for the last few years before this, but had never quite brought myself to tell the full thing to anyone but just two friends. But I felt like getting it out there was a next big step in confronting what I didn’t want to go back too, you know.

(obvs responding to this a year late, but six mins out from Year 8)

Edited at 2018-01-10 04:56 am (UTC)
poisontaster on January 11th, 2017 05:32 am (UTC)
Congratulations on your strength and your fortitude. ♥
dodger_sister: amazingdodger_sister on January 10th, 2018 04:34 am (UTC)
Congratulations on your strength and your fortitude. ♥

When I am ashamed of my weakness then, I do try to remember my strength now. Thank you so very much. <3
Jo Ann: GOT: Joffrey applauding GIFyeuxdebleu on January 12th, 2017 12:44 am (UTC)
Fascinating story. When did you first start taking Oxycontin? Was it for pain and you got hooked on it?

I took it once for a really painful sciatica attack and it made me feel so dopey that I quit taking it. I can't imagine wanting to feel that way.

I'm glad you're still here to share your story. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I like having you for a friend and would miss you terribly if you hadn't made the decision to get sober.

Go you!!
dodger_sister: amazingdodger_sister on January 10th, 2018 04:44 am (UTC)
Fascinating story. When did you first start taking Oxycontin? Was it for pain and you got hooked on it?

Yes, fascinating now, harrowing then.

Well, those questions would take some answering, as it’s not as simple as just Oxy. I had a lot of trauma, some bad decisions, a rough social group. and other drugs first. And eventually Vicodin for the pain of my disability, an addiction there that I never quite gave up and then stepped up to Oxy when I broke both my femurs. So, it’s far more complicated, as addiction usually is.

I took it once for a really painful sciatica attack and it made me feel so dopey that I quit taking it. I can't imagine wanting to feel that way.

It’s that dopey feeling that I loved tho. It was the only time I wasn’t keenly aware of my own body, couldn't feel every inch of my body, was free of pain for the only time in my whole life, even when I am sleeping, I feel pain. I was free of my body on Oxy.

I'm glad you're still here to share your story. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I like having you for a friend and would miss you terribly if you hadn't made the decision to get sober. Go you!!

Thank you! And, in the scheme of selfish things, I’d rather you be selfish in wanting to keep me, than me be selfish in wanting to stay on drugs!
Who'da thought, baby? We're civilians.dugindeep on January 12th, 2017 10:51 pm (UTC)
<333333333333333333!
dodger_sister: amazingdodger_sister on January 10th, 2018 04:45 am (UTC)
Thank you! <3sssss
Trigger Warning: Life: ottersmatchboximpala on January 13th, 2017 06:18 am (UTC)
I felt like just saying congratulations didn't quite cut it. So proud of you.



Edited at 2017-01-13 06:19 am (UTC)
dodger_sister: amazingdodger_sister on January 10th, 2018 04:46 am (UTC)
felt like just saying congratulations didn't quite cut it. So proud of you.

Awww, thank you, darling. <3
crucis01crucis01 on January 15th, 2017 05:53 pm (UTC)
We're all so proud of you and thankful you are here with us! Well done, very well done!
dodger_sister: amazingdodger_sister on January 10th, 2018 04:50 am (UTC)
We're all so proud of you and thankful you are here with us! Well done, very well done!


Thank you. It is so much harder to talk about the non-triumphant parts of addiction, the rough stuff, the dark stuff. It’s so much easier to talk of overcoming, than to admit what it was you overcame. So, thank you, for the support. <3
Ironlily - Making My Marquevikingprincess on January 30th, 2017 01:49 am (UTC)
You are a hard-core survivor and a triumph of the soul.
dodger_sister: amazingdodger_sister on January 10th, 2018 04:53 am (UTC)
You are a hard-core survivor and a triumph of the soul.

Wow. Thank you. I never looked at it as ‘surviving’, but, that’s...what...it was. What it *is*. And that kinda just smacked me in the face. Shit. Thank you, bb.