It has been a strange few months. We keep feeling like we’ve forgotten something. My dad was gracious enough to pay to fly Canadian Brother and his kids in for the funeral. When they booked the flight, my sister said, “I guess I better call Mom and let her know when they are getting in.” And then we just stared at each other. Because before, CBro always let us know their travel plans and we would pass it on to our parents. So that was the norm. Except here we were passing on to Mom when they would arrive for her funeral? Things like that - getting ready to ship the Canadians’ Christmas presents and we thought we better call and see if Mom had anything to add to the box for shipping. There is this empty spot where I can’t find what I’m looking for.
There is also this - and this will sound so awful - never-ending ‘do things for Mom’ that hangs over us. The last two years of our lives have been taking care of Mom, since the heart attacks and broken shoulder. Everyday it was my job to call her at 3pm and see if she needed anything from Sis on her way home from work. Every day Sis would go to her house to check on her and Winston (when he wasn’t with us, ofc. And now he is, he’s our dog now until the end.) Running her errands, cleaning her house, helping her wash up, taking her to the doctors, handling her bills, handling her DHS care, handling her home help care, sitting with her all night in the ER. I had this idea that after the funeral, we might get our lives back. We might get back to normal - or a new normal, at least. Maybe after the memorial. No. After the burial? No. After we get her house cleaned out? No. After we cancel all her accounts? No. (and damn, the number of people who insist on seeing her death certificate and are rude af to us when our mom has just died!) It’s been two years of our lives for Mom - and we loved her, so of course we stepped up - but now she’s gone and our lives are still centering around her. It’s frustrating and keeps us stuck in this place of limbo where we can’t work past her death in any way.
She drove me nuts when she was around, but now I’d give anything for one more phone call from her asking me, “Who is that guy on my TV? I don’t know what channel. It’s a DVD. Who is he though?” As if I can see her TV through the phone!
At any rate, thank you all for your support. It’s still a long road to go - literally doing things for her and emotionally trying to work past this empty feeling. I know there will always be a spot that belongs to her, but hopefully I can full it with the best of memories.
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