That doesn’t mean, of course, that I don’t crave it. I crave it still. Especially at night, when I finally stand still. This year had a few bumps, I’ll admit. I’d take something because I needed it - say a muscle relaxer with a melatonin, for soreness & sleep. And I’d float. There is this wonderful sleep that I love, where I’m not really asleep or awake and I come to, come back, every hour or so just enough to feel that ‘on a cloud’ feeling, that fuzzy awareness where nothing feels real. And then I sleep again. And I got that a few times and it was so alluring. And I’d find myself at other points, holding the same cocktail in my hands, the combination that had done it before and debating, “Do I need this or do I want this?” And sometimes I’d put it back and sometimes I’d take it. And I always question afterwards if it was necessary to take. And then I question when I put it back, ‘why do I make myself suffer if there is a relief to be had?’.
What is the difference between relief of physical pain vs. relief of mental pain and how to divide them out. And how to treat one and not influence the other. In the last year of stress & grief that I endured - that put mental, emotional and physical strain on me - it became nearly impossible to tell the difference. But I never took whole handfuls of things simply for the sake of flying. No cocktails of pills that I knew were simply for escape. I could have, I needed escape last year. But the fact that I didn’t makes me take a deep breath and say…
“Though I may have confused want and need a few times this year, when the line was too thin and small to see, I still didn’t break. I flew and floated a few times and didn’t let myself go back to that, over and over again. That is sobriety. That is sobriety for a chronically ill and chronic pain sufferer. That is my sobriety. That is my reality. That is my truth.”
So, here I am sharing my truth with all of you - I am 8 years clean and sober. Today. And now, for tomorrow.
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