dodger_sister (dodger_sister) wrote,
dodger_sister
dodger_sister

So Depressed Right Now.

Well, let's start with the good news:

My grandpa is doing much better! I saw him on Sunday and he looked really good. They finally took the cast off his leg and he is starting to walk with weight on it and everything. My grandpa is well enough to go to a step-down unit. Some sort of assisted living that won't be a medical facility but will have care providers on hand. Grandma can even go live with him.

This is fantastic news! I am so pleased about it. It will be a better quality of life for Grandpa and they can be together again - which is going to be better for both of them.

He and my grandma saw something on a morning show about "127 Hours" and had a bunch of questions for us about that. lol My sister reenacted James Franco's bit on The Daily Show about being trapped beneath a mini-fridge - if anyone saw that and can imagine reenacting it for their grandparents. My grandma reports that all the ladies at the rehab center keep hitting on Grandpa and he keeps having to tell them that he is married. My Grandpa - the lady killer.

This is all good.



Then today I just had kind of a crap day - was with my mom, which is always taxing as she is always either on a down-swing or an up-swing with her mania and there is no in-between. Mostly today she just kept insisting that I can't possibly wear a C cup in a bra - because she is an A cup - even though I weigh about 25 pounds more than her. Whatever. She's yelling across the store, "Why don't you get a sports bra?" until I have to yell back, "They smoosh my boobs down!" And she really wanted to me to buy clothes that look like a hippie chick in a Florida retirement community. And then she yelled at me about how my sister has an obsessive problem with ironing - IDEK WTF!

So, needless to say I came home with a headache. Only to hear about my sister's awful day at work where everyone yelled at her for not getting some memo that went out before she even worked there. Her day ended with someone she hasn't spoken to in a couple years, asking her how Zippo (her cat that passed away in October) was doing. I told my sister she wins - her day was worse.

Then my cousin showed up this evening. She told us about her day and I have to say, she wins hands down.

She spent the whole day trying to help my grandparents sort out their money, get the rehab people to sit down and convince my grandma that grandpa can't go back home, and then consoling both of my grandparents who took turns openly sobbing.

But, as my cousin reported, my grandparents finances are worse than we thought. They took out a mortgage a few years ago and we have no idea what it was used for, but they still owe a large sum of money on it. It will cost them around $5000 a month for the assisted living - because they pay rent and then for care for grandpa, but then my grandma would have to pay a rent too. IDEK.

They don't have $5000 a month. Not even close. They don't have enough in the bank to last more than two/three months. Grandpa can't get Medicaid because he owns the farm. The farm itself - since he gave up the animals and made it solely a crop farm - brings them about $10,00 a year. Grandpa was in the Navy in WWII - I'm sure he qualifies for more things, except that right now his net worth is too much because of the property.

They have the land but not the money.

They have to sell The Farm. They decided today.

Grandpa had a stroke a few years ago and at that time, there were a few people in the family who were in a financial position and had the desire to buy it. My grandparents didn't want to sell it then. Now no one in the family can afford it. I mean, no one wants to farm it, but we can't keep the land or the house either.

I do want what is best for both my grandparents and I am grateful that my cousin convinced them to be realistic about Grandpa ever going home. I just didn't realize their money was so bad off. My other Grandma always said that she was broke and yet when she passed away, she had like $60,000 left. And these grandparents never gave any indication they had nothing saved away.

This is so devastating. I did not...I didn't have the best childhood. I mean, I had some good times when I was little. It wasn't horrendous. But both my parents have some mental disorders and it was just...it wasn't the best place to be. I was horribly bullied at school and I was sick all the time - and the one place I felt good and safe and loved was The Farm.

My cousins lived on the property in the house their dad had built and they were like my siblings we were so close. For a few years there, my cousins were the only friends I had. We would go there and hang out with them and then walk to the farmhouse and play in the barns and chase the barn cats. Grandpa always had a hot meal and a game of cards for us, and Grandma always had an ice cream bar and a hug.

I know I am kind of romanticizing it in my head. I must be. But there is a part of me that always thought someday maybe I would have kids - and if not mine, than at least The Nephew - and that we would still have Fourth of July bbqs and buy those ridiculous packages of firecrackers and our kids would play whiffle ball in the drive - even after Grandma and Grandpa were gone.

I hated the house I grew up in, the town I grew up in. When I think of home, I think of The Farm.

It's just terribly upsetting and it sounds like both my grandparents are losing their shit over it and my poor cousin gets stuck with dealing with all of this for reasons I won't list here - but I honestly can't do anything to help her or them and I feel horribly exhausted.

Just, I had a hugely long and tiring day yesterday, with some not so good news about my own body (they might have to redo my hip surgery, I don't even want to think about it right at this second) and today was also exhausting, and then at the end of it, we get this news, and I just...I feel so tired. I want to sleep for 18 hours straight. Not something I can do without the pills. I don't think I've missed my pills quite so much as I do right now, because I honestly just feel like bone tired but to stressed out to do anything about it and the crick in my neck is killing me.

Needless to say - I was gonna watch the last ep of SPN, so I could be ready for tomorrow night (and explain the basic plot points to the Sister and The BFF) but I don't really think I'll appreciate the funny right now, so...

Yeah.

I'm gonna go stare blankly at Criminal Minds and try not to think about it, because there is nothing I can do anyway.

Maybe I'll feel better and have more perspective after I sleep.
Tags: emotional waxing, family circus, jon stewart tells us the truth, my grandparents - my heroes, real life, sad-face, sister oh sister, sleep now, today sucked monkey butt
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